Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I don't deserve a penis
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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