She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
