last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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