I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
