Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
