remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
