I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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