Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
