I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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