Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
