just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
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