We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
