just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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