he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
