he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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