my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
