I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
