i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
