My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
foreskin is a definite game changer
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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