my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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