u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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