I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
