Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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