boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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