I didn't shave. On purpose
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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