my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
