I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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