textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
