He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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