he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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