hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
