I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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