Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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