so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
