yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
