I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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