he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
