It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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