I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
pop tarts are not kleenex
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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