i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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