I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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