i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
