I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
