if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
