I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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