Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Can you bring me the toilet please
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
