my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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