a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
