Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
