I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
